Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy,

It's been a year since I found out you left us, but the wounds on my heart are so raw it feels like I got the call yesterday. The sadness in my mom's voice as she started the call- I knew exactly what she was going to say. But it didn't stop me from falling to my knees in hysterical tears. I had to quickly snap out of it and swoop up the girls, who have sincerely been my saving grace. You would just love them, they are so silly and so smart. I tell them about you all the time; about all the things we would do together and about all the things you've taught me. I promise you dad, the lessons have not gone to waste and it makes me proud to think I can pass those on to my daughters.
I'm sure you know, but I'm getting married in a week from today! It's going to be such a beautiful day with everything I have planned and I am just so excited. Not having you there will definitely be hard but I've been feeling better and more at peace lately, so I hope to feel your presence in a happy way that day. We saved you a seat at the reception, it was Joe's idea actually. He misses you too, you know. He always says how much he's learned from you, and he even read that book you told him he had to read before we got married! You made such an impact on all of our lives, dad. Even if you couldn't see then, I hope you realize it now as you look down on all of us. I wish so bad that I could have taken your sadness away so that life wouldn't have taken this turn, but I understand that you felt like you had no other way out. I wrote something to say at your funeral last year and I hadn't looked at it again until yesterday but I'd like to share it with you today:

"If you can imagine it, you can dream it. Dream it an you can become it." This is one of the many sayings he had posted in his garage. My dad was such an inspirational person, he always told me if I believed it could happen, I could make it happen. He always believed in me. In high school when i was down on life, he wrote out a mantra and taped it in my room. That way I would see it and be reminded that I was special and could do great things.
Recently, I found him whispering in Summer's ear, "you are a strong, beautiful woman." He then went on to tell me that he used to whisper in to the back of my brother's head when he was a baby. Things such as how loved he was and the hopes and dreams my dad had for him. He would whisper, "you are going to be a great man, son." That day I promised my dad I would always whisper good things in their ears to build their self esteem. If only I had known it was because he wouldn't be here to do it himself.
My dad wanted nothing but the best for each of us. He supported me in every aspect possible, in celebrating accomplishments as well as in times of hardship. My dad was so much more than just a dad, he was a best friend. He never hesitated to show his love for me, concern for my well being, or his appreciation for the tight bond we had formed. To say he was my biggest cheerleader would be an understatement. When I wanted to pursue hairstyling, he supported my dream 100%, not only would he come visit me weekly at school but he was the 1st person brave enough to let me cut his hair. When I was in a salon he came to visit too, always making sure I was comfortable and happy there. I was so proud to show him off too since no one else's parents ever came just to say hi or have some lunch. Then when I decided to start my own business he jumped at the opportunity to help, without me even having to ask. My dad was always full of encouragement- he made me believe there was no way I could fail.
When I came to him with the surprise of deciding to be a mother, his response was joyful and supportive. Telling me he knew that's what I always wanted and encouraged me to stay home so I could give my all to the babies and my new family. I could tell from the start that my dad was a very proud grandpa. While my girls were in the nicu, he took time out of his day to take me to and from the hospital. Every day he would come in and sit with me, words weren't always needed but his presence and positive attitude spoke louder than anything he ever said. Everywhere we went, he would tell people "this is my daughter, she just had twins!" he always made it known how proud he was of me. He would even carry me back up the stairs to my apartment because he knew how much pain I was in after the surgery. Once we were all home my dad would come visit a couple times a week. Sometimes he would just show up and it would happen to be the exact moment I needed that warm embrace. I never got to tell him how much his visits meant to me. My dad was amazing. One day that he came by, I was exhausted. He told me to go back to bed and close the door. When I awoke, he wasn't there but my dishes were clean, my laundry was done, and my dog had been walked.
There was no limitation to how generous my dad was. He was a true provider for his family. I've witnessed him be an incredible support system to each of his kids. Whether it was him present at an academic ceremony, humming along at a band recital, rooting from the stands of a cheerleading competition, giving helpful advice during a baseball game, standing proud at a parent-teacher conference, cheering from the sidelines of a soccer game, tearing up at the sight of his daughter getting married, or grinning at you from a far as you received your diploma- he was always there. He had never kept any of us from being the best but rather had given each of us a push in the right direction to do so.
It wasn't just his family he was generous to, when we made our trip to Vegas together, there was a woman stranded on the side of the road and my dad stopped to fill her gas tank for her. Last winter he told us about how there was a homeless man sitting outside in the rain at a Mexican restaurant where he was eating, before he left he bought that man a burrito and a cup of coffee. He always put others before himself, always offered a helping hand- he just wanted everyone to be happy.
So I hope to remember that circumstances can take away our loved ones, but it can never take away our memories. Even though I am heartbroken, I find comfort in knowing he is now at peace and where he wanted to be.

I love and miss you very much, dad.