A year of firsts

We just finished celebrating the twins' first 4th of July and I feel like they really enjoyed it. I was afraid they would be scared from the loud noises but to my surprise they actually liked it, especially Autumn! I got the chance to have both my girls sitting in my lap, gazing up at the sky, giggling and kicking their chubby little legs as I described all the different colors to them. And to even more amazement, they both fell asleep on me while the fireworks were still going off- Truly a memory I will cherish forever!

Yesterday I was reflecting back on the past year and how it's been a year of firsts. Starting with the most important- taking their first breaths on that very scary yet happy day. In the hospital we would be excited for the tiniest of "firsts," such as gaining a few ounces and opening their eyes for us. As time went on the excitement switched to being the first time we could hold them, first time they went a whole day without any apnea spells, first time they took a bottle, ect.. I could remember skipping into the hospital the day a nurse called and said I could dress the girls for the first time. Something so simple as being able to wear clothes made them feel more real to me, so tiny they were swimming in their preemie clothes but they looked perfect to me.

The morning the doctor called to tell me Autumn was coming home for the first time, I was sincerely the happiest I had been in a very long time. I remember jumping right up and calling everyone as I was dancing around my apartment like I had just won the lottery. From then on the firsts haven't stopped- first smiles and laughs, rolling and sitting up, crawling and standing, first holidays and outings together, and soon it'll be their first steps and words. With how fast this year has flown by, I feel like it'll be their first day of school before I know it!

The third of the month just passed as well and this one was extra hard for me considering some issues I'm currently dealing with. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my dad and the fond memories I have of him. In fact, as I was slicing a mango for the girls this morning I had a flash back of Bre and I sitting on the porch as my dad sliced off pieces of mango one by one for us. I know I know, sounds like absolutely nothing but it made me smile and feel all warm inside. But unfortunately on the third of the month, I'm reminded of how he's gone and how much I miss him instead of the happy times. I just recently started seeing a counselor to help me work through my feelings since my dad has passed away. I'm hoping she can help me learn how to "let go" since I struggle with that in a lot of aspects of life. I can't seem to let go of that awful day and the feeling of if I had just tried harder to get ahold of him or if I had gone looking for him maybe I could have stopped him. I would love for my dad to be here to see the girls grow up and experience all these exciting "firsts," especially since he really seemed to like being a grandpa. There are a lot of days I pick up my phone to call and tell him about something they did, only to end in tears once I realize that isn't possible for me. And then there are some days it's hard for me not to be mad at him: Being a mother has brought me so much joy and made my life so rewarding, it's hard for me to understand why being a parent wasn't enough for him to want to continue living. It's a constant push and pull on my emotions, so that's why I'm glad I found a way to talk to someone.

I hope to end up in a place where I am at peace with what happened and can take all the wonderful things I learned from him and pass those on to my daughters. I hope to live my life caring for others, raising my kids in a happy home, and seek excitement and adventure- just like he did.